faith · perfectly imperfect

(Im)Perfectly Patient

I’m not a very patient person.

I can’t sit through commercials and will walk the grocery store until a register is free.

I sometimes get bored halfway through a book and read the ending.  Alright, that’s not true.  Usually I’m so into the story I can’t wait for the end.  I have to know now.

I read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in one day because I refused to allow myself to be so impatient.  So I just didn’t put it down until I was finished.  Somehow I don’t think that was better because I had to go back and reread so I could appreciate the details.

I don’t usually appreciate the details like I should.

And lately I’ve been really impatient with my Lord.  It doesn’t make for a happy home.

But I want to know now and how and when and where.  I want a blueprint of my life, or at the very least the next few months, and I want to be able to see how we’re going to get through this valley to the other side.

Faith doesn’t work like that.  It’s trusting in the unknown.

I’m not so good with the unknown.

So everyday, and many times a day, I’m having to remind myself that Paul wrote a long time ago about how to combat these “fits of rage” that come with my fear of the unknown.

But the fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, PATIENCE, kindness, gentleness, and self-control…..I used to think it was the self-control that would help me cultivate patience, but guess which comes first?

And then we read in our Advent devotion on Monday how God always provides.  Always there’s a ram in the thicket if we’re patient enough to trust in Him.

But sometimes he brings us to the very edge of that dark place before we see the light.

motherhood · perfectly imperfect

Always Justifiying

Since I became a stay at home mom, I have developed a habit of feeling I have to justify all these things I do all day long so it makes sense to folks (like my husband) why I need to be home right now.

By the way, Joshua never asks me to justify.  He’s so grateful I’m keeping mental breakdowns to a minimum these days that he doesn’t care I’m about to radically rock his world by making a lot more meatless meals.  Well, he cares a little bit because he hates beans.  That’s why I’m going to ease him into it with this yummy sounding deliciousness with no meat added from one of my favorite blogs.

Potato Lasagna.  Shhh…don’t tell him it’s on next week’s menu.

Anyway, I’ve got many things I could be doing right now.  None of them earn me any money to contribute to the family finances, but some of them save us money.

Like I’ve been researching our upcoming Fall Family Getaway to the Shenandoah Valley.  We figure we won’t be vacationing any this summer, we’ve got vacation points to use or lose, and we can swing by and see Joshua’s brother and his wife for the first time in two years, so we’re going to be away over Thanksgiving.  Which is kind of fun.  It helps us recharge as a family and gears us up for lots of quality time with the rest of the fam over Christmas.  We’re staying at a resort near Charlottesville, so any tips would be great.  I really want to know if Williamsburg will be worth the 2+ hour drive with three kids or if we should wait until another trip.  When it’s warmer and we have 4 kids.  And how about Montpelier and Monticello?  I love history and it sounds great to me, but will the kids have fun or will they drive me crazy?  Tough call.  The loved Biltmore, but it was a really big house with a really fun farmyard.

Oh, that was supposed to be about how research saves us money.  It’s because now I know the locations of restaurants I have coupons for and where to find the Walmart so we can cook in the cabin.  See, now we’re not being impulsive.

And my potato lasagna blog also has this post about homemade laundry detergent.  I bought the ingredients, now I just need to make it.  But, I cleaned the kitchen this morning and after cooking all day yesterday and the day before that and the day before that…..I don’t feel like grating soap on my cheese grater today.

Homemade Laundry Soap

Maybe tomorrow I’ll save us money doing that.  For today, I think I’ll just fold the already clean laundry and plot how I can make leftovers enticing and work on another article to submit somewhere for publication.

Did I mention I’ve already had lunch at school with the girls, reorganized the pantry, filled an open childcare slot at jazzercise, looked at Christmas card possibilities, and put Amelia down for a (hopefully) long nap since she was up at 5:20?

See the justification?  How did I ever manage to do all that and work full-time?

perfectly imperfect

I Should Be…

I should be 
doing the dishes
but I’m looking at pretty ones instead.
I should be cleaning this house
instead of dreaming about this one.
I should be making the labels I bought yesterday
instead of hoping that we’ll get this 
before they’re too big for it.
I should be grateful we don’t have stairs for Amelia
to tumble down ten times a day
but I really want these.

Source: houzz.com via Lindsey on Pinterest

Or these. Even though Joshua would hate it.
I should be rejoicing we have a backyard
that’s not under water or being burned by wildfires
rather than imagining these.
I should be thankful I have a kitchen
and a pantry-ish corner and cabinet
that are usually full of something
even if it’s not what we always want
instead of trying to figure out how I can have this
in the home I have.
We all want more.
It’s hard.
Especially when the budget realities are woes
and the 3 a.m. wakefulness
is hard to surrender to my Provider.
How are we going to do this one income thing?
The way we’ve done it before.
With faith. And trust. And stewardship.
But everyday I have to remind myself 
that it’s not about things
it’s about this.

And learning to not be afraid
to admit
that I am not perfect.

motherhood · perfectly imperfect

Imperfectly Perfect Wishing

Unfortunately I don’t want to even try to count the number of times in the past two weeks these words came out of my mouth or heart–I can’t wait for you to go back to school.

I know it’s not a crime to crave routine or to want a few uninterrupted moments during my day or to recognize that my eighteen-month apart strong-willed competitive daughters need a break from each other.  I know it’s not a crime to look forward to the start of school and new beginnings and fall with all it’s fresh crispness and possibilities.

But I’ve been wishing away my moments.  My time.  My precious seconds and minutes and hours of everyday when they’re still little enough to think I am perfect.  Perfect for them at least.  Moments I can never get back and reclaim and try again. 

So just a little bit today I’m wishing it was still summer.  And they were here quietly watching a movie so mommy can get some work done.

MOPS · motherhood · perfectly imperfect

My Done List

A couple of weeks ago I was thrown in a church van and carted off to Nashville and suckered into being on the leadership team for my local MOPS group.  Really, that’s how it happened.

Or rather, my good friend ML knew exactly which of my gifts to appeal to when she asked me to consider taking a last minute opening on the Steering Team, and then she dangled the notion of FOUR DAYS in a fancy hotel in a faraway city WITHOUT my kids.

So, we all know I said yes.  And I learned a lot in those four days about myself, about my friends, about my mothering. Some of it I’m going to be sharing over the next few weeks as I begin to make peace with myself about who I am and who I want to be.  Some of it I’m saving for when I get my new blog up and running.

That’s right.  In a few weeks, Random Acts is going private and I’m going to try something new about this new life I’ve been given.  So, anyway, all that is to say that the speaker of my session on relieving our mommy stress suggested the very simple task of NOT creating to-do lists.

I don’t know about you, but I love lists.  The satisfaction of crossing something off is cheaper than a therapist and less caloric than a mocha frappe.  But she was right.  If I don’t cross everything off, I feel like a failure.  Hello, perfectionist pleaser in me that needs to be eradicated.  Or at least toned down.  Instead, she suggested that if we mothers need a list full of check marks to feel successful, why not create a list of that day’s accomplishments.  So simple.  So exactly what I need to remember some days.  So now you’ve read all my rambling so you can get to a list of why exactly I have been blog absent and blessedly busy the past week.

I’ve done….
packed suitcases and backpacks and picnics for family vacation
and this time I remembered the pack and play.
trekked my girls all over downtown Asheville and indulged them in cupcakes and suckers and paint your own pottery.
cried at the news story of Joplin, Missouri who despite the obstacles opened their schools on time for the 2011-2012 school year so that those students could experience normalcy.  And they took in every student no matter where they’ve been displaced to, because when you’ve lost your home or your parents or your routine, the last thing kids need is teachers who don’t remember their names.
learned to work the GPS on Joshua’s new Droid phone so we can join the 21st century.
taken over 200 pictures that no one but me probably cares to see but they make me smile.
cautioned the girls not to squeeze the baby chickens.
resisted the urge to refold all the dishtowels Belle folded for me.
fielded dozens of phone calls about our elementary school situation.
opted NOT to talk to the media about it.
thought about a dozen blog ideas.
picked a dozen roma tomatoes.  We actually grew something!
cleaned the bathroom within 30 minutes of arriving home because the toilet overflowed.
cleaned the house in anticipation of a showing that didn’t show.  
attended two MOPS steering team meetings and heading back tonight.
missed an important rehearsal but learned my lines for the first four pages.
visited my friends at North and confessed to myself that I miss those Bobcats.
I’ll stop now because that’s enough.  But isn’t it sad that we beat ourselves up over feeling like we’ve done nothing all day when in reality we’ve done so much to make the world a better place for us and for those little ones whose eyes are already on us?