It’s 5 Minute Friday over at Gypsy Mama.  It’s both the hardest and the easiest post to write each week.  After all, five minute increments is what I write in most of the time, so I can do that.  But this letting go and waiting to see what comes out?  Sometimes scary.  Like today.

Afraid

What am I afraid of in the dark, in the quiet, when my husband breathes deep beside me and my body tenses when I hear the baby cough and wait for the inevitable crying that follows and then I lay down with him nestled close to me and smooth his wild curls and breathe deep his sweet baby scent and the dark is all around, so big, so full, so much more than I can handle?

I’m afraid someday he’ll read this blog and never understand how much I love him now but how hard it was for me to get there past my own selfishness and pride.

I’m afraid my girls will slam doors and throw shoes and hate me when they are teenagers and I will crumble and cave and not have the strength to love them through and discipline their hearts that won’t be ready or capable of being as grown up at 16 as they will want to believe they are.

I’m afraid that because I’m come to understand that grace means I don’t get what I deserve, there is more hardship ahead, more worry, more fear, more obstacles that I won’t know I’m strong enough to face until they are knocking down my door.

I’m afraid I’m not devoted enough.  I’m afraid to let go and surrender to what I know would be a fuller life, but a life that is inevitably more complicated because my decisions won’t be liked by everybody.

I’m afraid I’ll raise my kids in a world that is a lukewarm reflection of what should be bright-hot as a coal burning like the fiery furnace Christianity and I will become complacent because I so hate to rock the boat.

Except Jesus is walking on the water and He never needed that boat anyway.

I make a lot of plans.  I scribble lists and fill out calendars and try really hard to be organized.  I try.

Then the internet quits working or I leave my phone at home again or the toddler has an accident or there are so many toys all over my living room floor that they have to take precedence over the “chore of the day”.

My day starts out pretty good, dishes done, everyone dressed, even read some Bible study.

To-do list made. But never done.

I know it’s just a list.  I know tickling and reading and puzzling and nursing and laughing and rocking are all more important and infinitely more lasting, but sometimes it would be nice to actually finish the list, you know?

I can fold four baskets of laundry in one afternoon, but my kids’ rooms are still a wreck.  Those rooms are never going to look like this are they?

In my plans, I actually check off those lists.  I actually complete all my tasks.  I actually get ahead of myself.

I think, though, that my kids have plans too.  Plans to reach the next level on Mario,  plans to get just one more book from the library, plans to ride bikes and hike in the woods.

Plans I really should plan to be a part of….

The secret’s in the sauce, folks.

This is one of my family’s all-time favorite pizza recipes, and when I made pizza for my houseful of siblings and our parents at Christmas, this was praised the most.  And had no leftovers.

Barbecue Chicken Pizza

1/2 recipe pizza dough
3/4 cup your favorite barbecue sauce
1 green pepper, diced
1 small onion, diced (optional)
1 1/2 cups shredded chicken
8 oz shredded monteray jack cheese (or combine some cheddar in there if you want)

1.  Roll out your dough to your desired shape.  It’s okay to think outside the circle.
2.  Spread the barbecue sauce liberally over the dough.
3.  Spread the chicken over the sauce.
4.  Spread the pepper and onion over the chicken.
5.  Sprinkle with cheese.  Add more cheese as necessary. (In our house more cheese is always necessary.)

Bake on a pizza stone in preheated 500 degree oven for approximately 7 minutes.

Enjoy with the adult beverage of your choice 🙂  We usually have sweet tea.

I have no rhythm.  Seriously, none.  It’s comical, except that I’m incredibly insecure about it, so unless I can laugh at myself first, I really don’t want anyone else laughing at me.

But this summer, I will be incredibly proud of the fact that I will have been a member at my local Jazzercise center for five years.  These two left feet and off-beat hips have somehow found a rhythm that works, mostly because I always watch the feet of the person in front of me.

Motherhood is a bit like that.  Sometimes if we can get past our own insecurities and stop comparing ourselves to the next mom over in the carpool lane or the celebrity mom on the cover of the People magazine we had to sneak into the bathroom to read, we can find a person whose rhythm it’s okay to follow.

And sometimes we can find our own, even if it’s a little off beat.

At my house, we are three days into a new school semester and three days into a new morning routine.  As a family, we have often had devotions and Bible readings and prayer times at night before our girls head off to bed and I utter a silent plea to the Lord that no one will wake me in the middle of the night just because they have to go the bathroom.  (By the way, I realize that eventually I will have to stop referring to my kids as “the girls.”)  But, here’s the problem we’ve had lately.  Now that the big girls go to big school, there’s a pesky little nuisance called homework.  Reading logs.  Spelling practice.  AR book reading.

I suddenly have new sympathy for parents who used to complain to me in their conferences.  It’s not that they have a lot of homework, it’s just that between dinner and nursing and rocking Amelia and baths and finding clothes for tomorrow and lunch money and dance lessons and AWANA and committee meetings for daddy and Bible study for mommy, our evenings are jam-packed.

So when I told the girls that we were going to start having family devotions regularly again and asked if they thought we should do them in the morning or evening, I wasn’t surprised when they both said morning.  I was surprised when Madelynne said, “That way we can all be together.”

Ouch.  But reducing commitments is another topic for another day.

Today I am just happy to say that I think we might be finding our own rhythm for this season of our life.  Joshua and I committed to one simple act: we get up earlier.  Now that’s hard.  Especially since Gus doesn’t sleep through the night and it’s winter and our house is cold.  But we’re doing it, and for the past three days, morning has been the best part of the day.

He gets ready for work.  I make the coffee and breakfast.  (I’m on a hot breakfast kick.  It will probably last about a week and then we’ll start integrating cereal back in.)  We wake the girls when he’s ready and lure them out of bed with promises of cheese grits or cinnamon toast or oatmeal.  We sit down as a family and he reads a few verses while we eat.  It’s simple.  It’s far easier than I expected.  It will have to be adjusted when Gus decides to change his morning rhythm again, but for this moment?  It works.

Madelynne wanted to start in the beginning.  So, we did.  I’m going to start looking for a devotion series that suits us right now and maybe I’ll even jot down some ideas of my own.

But don’t think we came up with this routine on our own.  Remember, I told you I like to watch the feet of the person in front of me.

Some feet I’ve been watching…

HomeLife Magazine (the article “Everyday Devos” was really my inspiration to consider the morning)
Michael Kelley Ministries (author of the article)
The 1 Habit at Every Meal that will Change Your Life (the always inspiring Ann Voskamp)

Philly Cheese Steak Pizza

half a recipe pizza dough found here
6 oz (couple of good handfuls) of shaved steak
green pepper, sliced
half onion, sliced (optional)
1 tsp Worsterchire sauce
4 tbsp tomato sauce or crushed tomatoes
8 oz shredded mozzarella cheese
1/2 tsp oregano

Saute the steak, peppers, and onions together in a frypan with a bit of olive oil and the Worsterchire.  Set aside to cool.  Roll out pizza dough.  Spread tomato sauce on dough.  Use your hands and layer the steak mixture on evenly.  Sprinkle evenly with cheese and top with a sprinkling of oregano.