reflections

In Hiding

In the three weeks since I last blogged, I’ve put myself in hiding.  Come out of the Secret Annexe, yes, finished that project and thought I would be gearing up for many more little ones. Instead I’ve closed my blinds, curled up on my couch, sat in my bathtub, and climbed under the fall quilt on my bed.

I’ve been hiding.  Because sometimes there are no words to express these feelings.  Or rather, there are words I am afraid to write because I can’t believe I actually feel this way.

So I couldn’t blog.  I just couldn’t.  Not until I was a little more ready to put out in blogsphere just how difficult it has been for me to adjust to news that most greet with joy and enthusiasm or, at the very least, resolve.

I’ve had little of those emotions but rather fear, anxiety, anger, and depression.  But mostly disbelief that God really wants me to do this again.

Pregnancy.  All day long nausea and exhaustion and short temper and I already feel like there’s never enough to go around to the three I have and now I’m supposed to love and nurture and raise another?

We weren’t trying.  Far from it.  We’re the .01% chance drug companies list to avoid lawsuits.  Because it rarely happens.  But it happened to me.  And I cried for a week.

And I went into hiding.  “Survivor’s guilt” my friend called it today.  That I could be given this gift when others aren’t and I am so undeserving and underqualified.

And ashamed.  Because we had so many plans.  Big ten year anniversary get away.  Lots of summer activities for big girls and a toddler.  Trying to start a new career.

But this was not in my plans.  And I’m trying to get used to the change.  And the nausea.

I’m struggling.  But I think, maybe, I can’t hide forever.  And I miss my blog.  So I’ll be back in full-swing soon and won’t always subject you to the crazy ramblings of a preggo.

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6 thoughts on “In Hiding

  1. Oh, Lindsey. My prayers will be with you. This new little one IS a gift: even more so a miracle because he or she is so unexpected!! I know that this is what God has in mind for you. And remember: he always works things out for GOOD for those who love him and whom he has called. 🙂

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  2. Don't you dare feel guilty. You are absolutely entitled to feel like you want to go into hiding. This is a huge life changing event that was thrown at you. I'm no where near ready to having another baby and if I found out I was pregnant I'd want to hide in a closet somewhere. I am really sorry that you're going through this. I know that things will turn out alright in the end and you'll never be able to imagine your life without this new little one, but for now if you need to wallow a bit and feel sad, then do it. Hugs.

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  3. oh lindsey. praying for you. promise you will look back on these days and laugh in the future. i need you out of hiding because i love reading your blog! come out, come out, wherever you are.

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  4. totally agree with everyone else. you can't help the way you feel. and God not only gave you this surprise gift, but He also gave us the ability to feel. so embrace the feelings and read this blog i read today:

    http://thegypsymama.com/2011/10/for-the-days-when-you-want-to-quit-motherhood/

    because the last thing you need is someone to tell you to get over yourself…instead i'm saying pat yourself on the back. you're doing the best you can with what you've got. and, i look forward to your musings returning to the blogosphere, even if it's a preggo's perspective 🙂

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  5. Pingback: The Not To-Do List

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