I’ve long had trust issues. I think actually it’s that I have self-confidence issues that manifest as being unable to believe that I am worthy of anything.
I’ve talked a lot recently about living on faith, about believing that the Lord will provide for our family, about trusting His Hand in this little world of big change. But do I believe it? When it counts do I really?
I cried the other night after Joshua made an innocent comment that I blew out of proportion and it all related back to me feeling like I wasn’t doing enough to keep our budget sound. Our checkbook red. Our kids fed.
I had no trust, not really. I don’t think I truly believed He would come through when we needed it. Even though He always has. Even though He always will. I went ahead and prepared myself for the worst thinking, “Well, at least we know. At least we’ll be ready.” But can one ever truly be ready for the unknown?
And today when Joshua called to say he’d had an offer, that it was what he’d prayed and hoped and waited for, I realized how little faith I’d had. Here I was prepared for the worst, never trusting for the best. And that’s not faith. That’s cowardice. That’s untrust. That’s unfaithful.
That’s the opposite of the person I want to be, am striving to become, am praying to be revealed.
Trust. So hard to eat the manna everyday and believe in its worth. But always, always it is.