motherhood · perfectly imperfect

Beyond My Control

I am aware that even as I write this I have friends who are longing for a baby, a call from the adoption agency, two lines on the stick, the opportunity I’ve been given.

I pray for them and long for them and hope for them and wait with them.

And when I sit in the examining room waiting for my midwife, crying because I’ve already reached my ideal weight gain for this pregnancy and I still have sixteen weeks to go, I am racked with guilt that I am not more thankful for this blessing.

But sometimes one person’s blessing is another’s trial.

Please don’t think I’m horrible because I’m unhappy to be pregnant again.  I want this baby.  I really do.  We’ve named him.  We’re designing a nursery. His sisters kiss my belly, and I proudly tell people we’re having a boy after three girls.

But for a person who has always struggled with self-image, with weight, with being compared to everybody else, pregnancy can be a burden.  People assume I’m due soon.  Not really.  May is three holidays, a winter storm, and lots of rain away.  People assume I’m having twins.  Newsflash: Ultrasounds are pretty high-tech these days.  People tell me not to worry about it because it’s a boy and they’re just different.  People tell me I’ll lose it after.

But I’m still crying.

I avoid pictures.  I don’t feel beautiful, and since I rarely did before, 25 more pounds isn’t helping.  I have no confidence in any decision I make.  Eat a salad?  I’ll be hungry again in an hour.  Eat a cheeseburger?  I’ll swell up from all the sodium.

Today I counted carbs.  That actually helped a bit.  At least I was aware of what is too much.  At least I felt a little bit more in control.

Which is ultimately what this is about.  I constantly feel like my life is out of my hands.  That no matter how good a wife and mom I try to be, something is going to come around to remind me that I will never be good enough.

Linking up to Capturing Motherhood today and planning to read the article she’s linked to because clearly I’m out of sorts today and need to remember Who is on my side.

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7 thoughts on “Beyond My Control

  1. Oh, Lindsey. I wish I could give you a great big hug and tell you how beautiful you are, how proud and thankful I am that you're seeing your new son as a blessing, that you're such a great wife and mama. Because I know you are.

    I've not been pregnant yet, so I can't relate like others could. But I know that having this baby inside you is a REALLY GOOD thing, an amazing thing—quite literally, a miracle. God's doing his work in your body and in the body of the tiny baby inside you. And he'll keep doing his work when the baby is in your arms instead of your womb. And there are lots of things you can do to be healthy and to look like you want to again when the baby is born.

    But for now…know that this is how it is supposed to be. That God is in control. And that you are always, ALWAYS loved and beautiful.

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  2. Lindsey Brackett – you are beautiful! You have a smile that will light up a room. An uplifting sense of humor – so much fun to be around. I miss you daily at school. So, how can I help you?

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  3. Lindsay- I love you and I am rowing the same boat
    Try having that 25 pounds lingering six months after the baby arrives!
    I am still nursing and trying to keep all the balls in the air.
    You are not alone… I am here with you!
    Lexie

    PS: Cassidy says hi!

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  4. Don't feel guilty about not being thrilled to be pregnant. Just because someone else covets it doesn't mean you have to bask in every moment. Being pregnant can be difficult and it can wreak havok with your self-image. I'm actually dreading that part of pregnancy, especially with everyones comments about how “you're pregnant you're supposed to be big.” And I'm still struggling from the last 10 lbs with my pregnancy from my daughter and she's 2.5. I feel you girl. Hang in there.

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  5. oh, my heart is so hurting for you. it truly is. your honesty is beautiful and your willingness to post it in blogland is inspiring. i am praying, right now, for His perfect peace to wash over you. and it will. it surely will because He is faithful. and you are one of his favorites. do you read the kisses from katie blog? you need to. we all need to. http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/ thank you for linking up. xoxo.

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  6. lindsey… this is a beautiful post. your honesty and transparency is why your blog is one of my favorites. i am praying for you as you continue this journey… that you will trust His plan and let go of control. praying that for me as well. love you. xoxo

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