No one ever tells you there will be days you hate it.
That mothering is the hardest job there is and
I’ll be the first to admit I went back to work for awhile
because it was easier than being with them full-time.
Then the inability to be the mom I wanted
was compromised by being mom to so many others
so I came back home.
And now that summer’s here in full-swing
{i.e. school’s out}
those intense moments no one talks about
have hit full-force.
What no one told me about mothering…
1. I will never feel good enough. Surrounded by other moms who appear to have it together, seeing crafts and recipes and activities galore all over the internet, paired with my own insecurity complex means I never feel like I’m doing enough or being enough. As a thirty-two year old college graduate with eight years teaching experience and six younger siblings, you’d think I’d have more confidence in myself. But I don’t.
2. Sometimes everyone is unhappy and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. It never fails that the moment the baby starts wailing, the sisters kick it up a notch. He’s hungry, they’re aggravating each other, and I’m yelling. It’s a recipe for destruction and in the moments before the dust settles, I’m sure I’m the worst mom ever.
3. I can be completely undone by a six year old. Yesterday we both cried when she let loose in hysterics about the gift we made for her teacher. I didn’t have it together for the last day of school and according to her, she was the only one who didn’t have a present for her teacher. Wow. Way to make me feel horrible.
4. Sleep is an alternate universe. I know I’ll sleep again. There was a period of time between the two youngest and prior to the pregnancy insomnia, that I got a full night of sleep. But I always forget what the newborn stage is like and how nothing would be better than an uninterrupted stretch that lasts longer than 90 minutes.
5. Somedays I will have nothing left for my husband. He’s great, he’s patient, and he helps. But I’ve got nothing left for him at the end of the day and the last thing I want is any activity that involves touching because all I’ve done all day long is soothe and hold and rock. It makes me feel so guilty.
6. There’s no magic switch for potty training. I don’t think my two year old is quite ready and I don’t think I can really handle one more responsibility right now, but between her and the baby I change at least 15 diapers a day. Awful for the environment, disgusting for me. I read articles and books and listen to other moms, and I think I can help her do this, but then I realize I’ll have to add mopping the floor to my daily list, and I pull out another pack of Pampers.
7. Scheduling a baby is impossible. We’re on day one of trying to consciously extend the time between nursing sessions. It’s not working. But what am I supposed to do when he starts crying before we leave Chic-fil-A and I’ve still got to go into Wal-mart or the dog will starve? In the end, they both got to eat and I figured we’d try again at home. So take that, Baby Wise.
8. I will become a different person. There was a time in my life when I cared a lot less about what people thought, when I knew I didn’t fit in with the in crowd, but what I had was right for me. There was a time when I was confident in what I was pursuing and sure there would be a day when I’d be ready for my bigger dream. Then I became a mom and what I thought would come so naturally was actually work and the child I thought would conform to me, tricked me into conforming to her. I’m more introverted now, more cautious, more shaky, less confident. Sometimes I find strength in my faith, in the promise that God has not forsaken me or left me, but sometimes I just want to crawl back into bed and forget that it’s not just about me anymore.
9. There are times when I will really lose it. I knew I had a temper. I just didn’t know how volatile it could be. I hate when I yell at my kids. I hate how ugly it makes them and me feel. The truth is, I let their behavior dictate how I feel about myself, so when I lose it, it’s because I {again} am feeling insecure.
10. I will feel so alone. Even now, I’m debating about posting this. Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way. But I know that’s not true. I know we can all talk a good game about enjoying every moment because these years are precious, but when your blinds are down and your doors are closed and you’re alone with your kids, do you really love it all the time? It doesn’t mean I would trade my kids for anything, but sometimes, I don’t love every moment I spend with them.
Today I’m linking up with Angie at Many Little Blessings. It’s amazing to me that she homeschools. I’d love for her to post about how she can do that everyday without losing her cool.
